Got a joke...place jokes here and cheer us all up...:)

While walking down the street one day, a “Member of Parliament” (or Congress) is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the MP.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the MP. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning… Today you voted.”


#####


English to Spanish translationShow romanization
Mientras camina por la calle un día, un "miembro del Parlamento" (o Congreso) es trágicamente atropellado por un camión y muere.

Su alma llega al cielo y se encuentra con San Pedro en la entrada.

"Bienvenido al cielo", dice San Pedro. "Antes de establecerse, parece que hay un problema. Rara vez ver a un funcionario de alto alrededor de estas piezas, ya ves, por lo que no está seguro de qué hacer contigo. "

"No hay problema, me acaba de pasar," dice el hombre.

-Bueno, me gustaría, pero tengo órdenes de más arriba. Lo que vamos a hacer es tener que pasar un día en el infierno y otro en el cielo. Entonces usted puede elegir dónde pasar la eternidad. "

"Realmente, he tomado mi decisión. Quiero estar en el cielo ", dice el MP.

"Lo siento, pero tenemos nuestras reglas".

Y con esto San Pedro acompaña al político al ascensor y se va abajo, abajo, al infierno. Las puertas se abren y se encuentra en medio de un verde campo de golf. A lo lejos hay una casa club y de pie delante de él están todos sus amigos políticos que habían trabajado con él.

Todo el mundo está muy contento y en traje de noche. Corren a saludarlo, estrechar su mano, y recordar los buenos tiempos que tenían mientras se enriquecían a costa del pueblo.

Juegan un agradable partido de golf y luego cenar en langosta, caviar y champán.

También está presente el demonio, que en realidad es un tipo muy amable y agradable que tiene un buen rato bailando y contando chistes. Ellos han tenido un tiempo tan bueno que antes de que él se dé cuenta, es hora de irse.

Todo el mundo le da una cordial despedida y lo saludan mientras sube al ascensor ...

El ascensor sube, sube, sube y se reabre la puerta en el cielo, donde San Pedro lo está esperando.

"Ahora es el momento para visitar el cielo."

Por lo tanto, pasa las 24 horas del MP unirse a un grupo de almas contentos pasando de nube en nube, tocando el arpa y cantando. Tienen un buen momento y, antes de que él se dé cuenta, las 24 horas han pasado y San Pedro vuelve.

-Bueno, entonces, te has pasado un día en el infierno y otro en el cielo. Ahora elegir tu eternidad. "

El MP reflexiona un momento y luego responde: "Bueno, yo nunca he dicho antes, es decir el cielo ha sido precioso, pero creo que estaría mejor en el infierno."

Así que San Pedro lo acompaña hasta el ascensor y se va hacia abajo, abajo, abajo al infierno.

Ahora las puertas del ascensor se abren y está en medio de una tierra desierta cubierta de desperdicios y basura.

Ve a todos sus amigos vestidos con trapos, recogiendo los desperdicios y metiéndolos en bolsas de negro como más basura cae desde arriba.

El diablo se acerca a él y pasa el brazo por el hombro. "No entiendo,-balbucea el MP. "Ayer estuve aquí y había un campo de golf y casa club, y comimos langosta y caviar, champagne bebieron y bailaron y lo pasamos muy bien. Ahora sólo hay un terreno baldío lleno de basura y mis amigos parecen unos miserables. ¿Qué pasó? "

El diablo lo mira, sonríe y dice: "Ayer estábamos en campaña ... Hoy usted votó.

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."


English to Spanish translationShow romanization
Estaba de pie en la cocina, preparando los huevos pasados por agua habituales y tostadas para el desayuno, vestida sólo con la "camiseta" que normalmente dormido en

Al entrar, casi despierto, se volvió hacia mí y dijo suavemente: "Tienes que hacerme el amor ahora mismo!"

Mis ojos se iluminaron y pensé: "Estoy bien todavía soñando o esto va a ser mi día de suerte!"

Como no quería perder el momento, me abrazó y luego le dio a mi todos, allí mismo en la mesa de la cocina.

Después ella dijo: "Gracias", y regresó a la estufa, la camiseta todavía alrededor de su cuello.

Feliz, pero un poco desconcertado, le pregunté: "¿Qué fue todo eso?"

Ella explicó: "El reloj de arena se ha roto."

I am going to offend people with theis joke, but in light of recent events, I can't help myself:

There is a volcanic eruption on an island  Unless all inhabitants get off the island, they will die.  A Rabbi and a Priest manage to get into a Row Boat, and are paddling away.  There is room for for 2 or 3 more people in the boat.  The priest suggests returning to shore to pick up some children.  The Rabbi says, "f*** the children."  The priest replies, "Do we have time!"



English to Spanish translationShow romanization
Yo voy a ofender a las personas con Theis broma, pero a la luz de los recientes acontecimientos, no puedo ayudarme a mí mismo:

Hay una erupción volcánica en una isla menos que todos los habitantes salir de la isla, morirán. Un rabino y un sacerdote logran entrar en un bote de remos, y está remando de distancia. Hay espacio para para 2 o 3 personas más en el barco. El sacerdote sugiere regresar a la costa para recoger a algunos niños. El rabino dice: "f *** a los niños." El sacerdote responde: "¿Tenemos tiempo!"

Three tired old men travel up to the edge of a large cliff. A fairy appears and tells each man that if they run as fast as they can and jump off while shouting what they'd like to be they will magically morph into their wish.

The first man sprints to the edge, jumps and yells, " Eagle!" The fairy turns him into an eagle.
The second man sprints to the edge, jumps and yells, "Falcon!" The fairy instantly turns the man into a falcon.
The third man sprints to the edge but just before he jumps he trips on a rock and yells, "Oh Shiiit!"...


English to Spanish translationShow romanization
Tres hombres viejo y cansado viaje hasta el borde de un acantilado de gran tamaño. Un hada aparece y le dice a cada hombre que si correr tan rápido como pueden y saltar gritando lo que les gustaría ser que mágicamente se transforme en su deseo.

Los sprints primer hombre en la orilla, salta y grita, "Águila!" El hada lo convierte en un águila.
Los sprints segundo hombre en la orilla, salta y grita, "Falcon!" El hada se convierte instantáneamente en el hombre en un halcón.
Los sprints tercer hombre en el borde, pero justo antes de saltar se tropieza en una piedra y le grita: "¡Oh Shiiit !"...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


English to Spanish translationShow romanization
Como un avión está a punto de choque, una pasajera salta frenéticamente y anuncia: "Si me voy a morir, me quiero morir sintiéndome como una mujer".

Se quita toda su ropa y le pregunta: "¿Hay alguien en este plano, que es lo suficientemente hombre como para hacerme sentir como una mujer?"

Un hombre se levanta, se quita la camisa y le dice: "Aquí, el hierro presente!".

Bettina and Terry go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night,make buetifull love and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Bettina wakes up and nudges Terry "look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, darling ” replies Terry

Bettina sighs “And what do you deduce from that?”
Terry ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

Bettina nods " Yes But what does it tell you, darling? " Terry is silent for a moment.

Bettina laughs “Someone has stolen our tent!”


##########

English to Spanish translationShow romanization
Bettina y Terry ir en un viaje de camping. Después de una buena cena y una botella de vino, retirarse por la noche, hacer el amor buetifull y dormirse.
Algunas horas más tarde, Bettina se despierta y codazos Terry "mirar hacia el cielo y dime lo que ves."
"Veo millones y millones de estrellas, querida-responde Terry

Bettina suspiros "¿Y qué deduce usted de eso?"
Terry medita un minuto. "Bueno,

Astronómicamente, me dice que hay millones de galaxias y potencialmente billones de planetas.
Astrológicamente, veo que Saturno está en Leo.
Horologically, deduzco que el tiempo es de aproximadamente las tres y cuarto.
Meteorológicamente, sospecho que tendremos un día hermoso mañana.
Teológicamente, puedo ver que Dios es todopoderoso y que somos una parte pequeña e insignificante del universo.

Bettina asiente con la cabeza-Sí, pero ¿qué decirte, querida? "Terry está en silencio por un momento.

Bettina se ríe "Alguien ha robado nuestra tienda!

Bettina and Terry go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night,make buetifull love and fall asleep.


After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night,make buetifull love and fall asleep. yes this i can imagine


BUT......Bettina and Terry go on a camping trip and Terry getting Bettina into a tent


5 star hotel or luxery camper maybe :slaf:

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

An old lady we shall call wendy nolan nee Green was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tightly so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Look , anything you see down there is 65 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Jane wil kill me for this but....




The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur proudly said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!




'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
#####


i read that blog as well

mip
A mathematical formula for success
Fri Jul 2, 2010 3:22pm
67.193.52.10

It's always the guys that give 110 percent that make it big. But how can you give more than 100 percent? Here's how....

Assign each letter of the alphabet a value equal to the order in which they occur. So, the result is:

a=1,b=2,c=3, and so on, up to z=26.

When you combine these into words, you get a total score. There are many words used to describe successful people. Let's rate some of them to see how they score:

knowledge = 96 percent
hardwork = 98 percent
attitude = 100 percent
bullshit = 103 percent
asskissing = 127 percent

So, while attitude will get you there, you can see it's the bullshit and asskissing that put you over the top!

LOL.

something funny for nothing lame ice chess player



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if humanity becomes extinct, the future of chess secured .....!!






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What distinguishes the lady on the board of other ladies? It can never be a widow.

iamlose wrote:

What distinguishes the lady on the board of other ladies? It can never be a widow.

:?:on the board of other ladies

lost in translation perhaps

here you play chess like predator ...... cheers




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times to say his opinion the other kind neighbors




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Tooled Chess pieces with other

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What's the Gender of Computer ????



A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House," in French, is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is the computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1.No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3.Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.

4.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1.In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2.They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.

3.They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE THE PROBLEM.

4.As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won!

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nice game :-)

iamlose wrote:

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nice game :-)

probably from testo's tournament [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]